i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
