I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
