There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize