So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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