Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
