We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
