don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
