My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
