He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
