I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
