I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
