the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
she pinky promised me she was 18
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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