I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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