Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
