I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
