My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
