Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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