There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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