why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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