I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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