He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
