After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
