your parents love me but you hate me
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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