i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
