Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's a naked man in my car right now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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