when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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