I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
