Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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