He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
