why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
