Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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