hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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