Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
