I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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