This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i think my cat just said my name.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
