rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
