I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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