You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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