o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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