My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
