My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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