theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
