Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
