how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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