I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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