Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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