The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
