I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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