cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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