I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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