First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
