if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
and she was petting her beer can
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize