I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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