Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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