I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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