I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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