They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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