Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
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