i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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