drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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