Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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