Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
