3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
