dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
