Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
