just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
